The Beginning of Our New Normal

I would imagine that everyone who reads this is aware that 9 days ago, our world as we knew it, changed forever. After taking my son to the emergency room for what we thought was his yearly bout of bronchitis, we were told that the ER doctor found an "abnormality" and we needed to see our family doctor the following day. Hearing a dr say the word abnormality in regards to my child, was like he handed me a grenade, pulled the pin and walked away. I was in an immediate state of panic. After having seen our family dr, he referred us to a pulmonologist to do further testing and rule out anything serious. Jimmy had a CAT scan which revealed a large mass on his lung, the dr stated that the mass was highly suspicious for Lymphoma and they ordered a needle biopsy the following day. After the procedure was over, we were told we would have to wait 3-5 days for the results. Those were 3 of the most anxiety ridden days of my life. I watched as my son shut down, he wasn't eating, wasn't talking, and just wanted to zone out and play Xbox with his friends. Completely understandable and maybe the only time I can say I am truly grateful for video games. Over the course of those 3 days, I had quite a few discussions with God. The first day, I was sure that He knew this had to be a mistake and He would allow that to show up in the pathology results and we would go on our merry way. The second day, I started to think maybe something could be wrong, but if so, it would just be pneumonia or a weird viral or bacterial thing that some nasty tasting anti-biotic would get rid of in a week or so. By the morning of the day to get the results, I was numb and terrified. I was pretty much praying without ceasing. God, PLEASE don't let my baby be sick, please don't let the dr say he has this disease I am afraid to say by name. Please God, I know you can work miracles, I have seen you do it, heal my son, too. He is a good boy and doesn't deserve this. I continued sending up prayers all the way to the hospital.

It was not to be, as I sat in a cold, hard chair in a sterile room, the dr proceeded to tell me that my son has lung cancer--Hodgkins Lymphoma. My beautiful, funny, soft-hearted baby boy has cancer. My son who is supposed to be having his senior year with all his friends, looking forward to graduation and a future in computers. My son has cancer. I sat there in tears half listening as he continued to talk about a referral to a pediatric oncologist at Children's and what would happen when we went in for an appt...but all I could think about was when my son was 4 years old, sitting in the living room floor in his Woody costume watching Toy Story and giggling, saying "look mommy, there's Woody!"~that little boy can't have cancer.
Telling Jimmy he had cancer was the single hardest thing I have ever done in my life. After I told him, I asked him how he felt and what he was thinking, anything to hear him say something, anything. Through the tears in his eyes, he said "nothing to say, it sucks, but I will get rid of it and be fine...will I lose my hair?" NEVER, will I underestimate my son again. I have watched him deal with this for the past week, at times with anxiety, but mostly courage and strength. He is the bravest person I know. I have never been so proud to call him my son and I am so grateful that God allowed me to be his mom. I am so blessed .
Some may wonder how I can speak of God in a loving way, or why I don't blame Him for my son being sick. It's simple, God did not give my son cancer. God held my son while he was getting a CAT scan, He held him while he was scared during the needle biopsy, and He was with us when we heard the darkest news. He loves us and will be with us as we go through these next terrifying months. If it weren't for my relationship with God, I know that I would not be able to stand in the face of this evil disease and say we will beat it and my son will be healed.